Thikkal Club

I spoke to Anu yesterday for five hours on the phone. Five hours! It was catching up and it was also a breaking of record of sorts. The longest i had been on the phone was with Bhav. And that had been for three hours. So this blog, which is long overdue is about what we spoke about, The Thikkal club.

When i went into BSc, it was the first time i was anywhere without familiar faces. Sush had come along with me when i changed school and both Kavi and Sush were with me in pre university college. I expected not to make too many friends, but by the end of the three years, i had met and befriended some of the best people that i know in my life ( Maana, this is a love letter to my friends, not the previous one..grin) . So we got to be a group. Fourteen girls. Each different from the other. Each so unique that they made my life a canvas of different colours.

Bhav to begin with, was someone i walked home with, her enthusiam and her appreciaton for fun made those walks the most special walks. Her straight forward practicality and her subtle madness made her a very important member of the Thikkal club

Cris, our idealist and the president of the club, was as mad as they made them. She is one of the sharpest i know and didnt hesitate to tell you how it was . This was an irony considering our little butterfly, was in a safe idealist cocoon. I miss our long long talks at the basketball court. I remember how upset she was , when i gave her my cynical views about relationship. She couldnt understand how anyone could be that pessimistic. i miss you.

Ranj, the lady rambo, has a tongue, that can slice even diamonds i guess. She was the witty, the most intelligent and the first person who was thrown out of the EVL club . ;) i remember her atrocious jacket( oh hon, it was really ugly) which she wore like a uniform. She is game, whatever the adventure may be, but really she'd rather sit. The gay gabbar, i think was her idea.

Anu and Shub are like a couple.They are the maddest of the mad. You cant mention one without mentioning the other. They were like a show by themselves. The most well known of the club. There were the nagin dancers, the singers and the bloody entertainment for the whole college. My Basanti and Veeru, they are the cheer factor in any situation. warning: Anu loves her food. Dont mention good resturants in front of her, cause she'll drag you to the end of the world, if need be and make you buy lunch. She always has a retort ready and her sense of humour made her my favorite in the thikkal club. Shub, is just that. Shubha. Noone else like her.

Rio, our tomboy, and Shru's fantastic hair raising and losing fights made us wonder how they'd be if they actually couldnt stand each other! Shru's capsicum bajji is very well known. and her appetite compared to her anorexic frame was astounding. Her initiation into th eclub was the party at Chand's place. She did want her mobile people. :)

Chand, our lost puppy, was the mother. Her head pats were the scariest part of her affection! Chinnu bai's and chickmangalur trip later, we, knew, she had to be the part of the group. matbe we'd rename it Chandu's club.

Preeeeeeethaaaaaaaaa, was our baby, the gaint cherub, her foot in mouth perpetually, her pant-y joke and those dikie jokes are memorable. i remember the girl, once when she was falling , to what she thought was her death, she threw her damn chemistry books to us and said "save them!"She lost her innocent spark as we reached final year, but she is still out darling. We cant thank you and shru enough for all those photocopies honey. i passed BSc because of you.

Nammu and Kavya, were league of their own. The live by their rules. Kavya's kannada bechodu was awesome. Her beat hodeyodu And her Shakiraness was proof of her acute madnessNammu was our dancer, Hritik Roshan fan. Her house was where our booze induced goodbyes turned into a full fledged weeping session

The others , Dev, Kavana, Shivani were all relatively sober compared to us, and very only honarary members of the club.

This blog, is because, i miss you all. To let you know, you were very special to me and will always remain close to my heart. Thanks for the best three years that you've given me.

A slip, that was almost. Thanks!

ok. lets see, How do i start?

I have grappled with a complex of inferiority since i remember. I dont remember what triggered it off, or even if there was actually a trigger at all. I get moody, unreasonable and quite annoying when i go through my certain phases. Mum should know. She has taken the brunt of my misbehaviours. So has Maanasi. This complex that i talk about , made me come close to being clinically depressed, in my first year of college. I survived , with some random brusing to my soul. It took me most of two years to come to terms with the fact that i had to deal with something that was so larger than i. When i spoke to Kavita about it, it was mostly venting. She was supportive, but see, it was my problem. Thanks to a lot of people in my life then, i got over it. Learnt, most of my problems are inconsequential compared to the others around me. Learnt, to talk myself through rare attacks that did happen.

So recently, when i saw the beginning of one of those attacks, i knew i would be able to handle it. But goes to show how sourly wrong you can get about certain things. This time i know the triggers, but still, my control slipped. My mind threw at me, fantastic possibilities and theories. I wanted to give up. But. I got through it. For that, I have to thank certain people , who have unknowingly , cheered me up . Certain people, who were so normal, that, they made me realize that the problem was my perception. Certain people who just declared everlasting friendships.Shubha and Anu, you dont know how much your msgs cheer me up. :) some of these people might not even know what just happened. Might not know that they've helped me. Thanks guys.

The train

I go home every weekend. mostly. I dont go only when class or other lab commitments stop me. These train journey, each, are uniquely different.

People who are on the train, are sme and at the same time so distinct from each other.Each person, that you travel with different. Some kids around you really annoying , few really adorable. Few people who want to know when you are getting married, few who dont even look at you throughout the whole journey. Then they are few who just cant stop talking. Old women and men. Younger IIT kids, with shirts that smell, but an intellect that cant be ignored. Happiness dancing in certain eyes, thoughtfulness in some, but some most annoyingly letching. But these experience, whether am alone or with friends are all wonderful. So much is learnt about just human expression and emotions.

These travels are not only abou the people you meet, or observe. Its about spending time with yourself. There's no better feeling than standing at the door of the train looking out the passing bursts of changing colours, with a cup of bad train coffee and wind in your hair. Its fantastic how every thought is wiped of your brain and you know you'd just rather be here at that mintue than anywhere else.

The train , travelling in it has taught me immense patience, because more often then not, it's late. in coming and also in reaching home. It taught me observation skills and tolerance. It taught me, i could just savour the present, for God knows what the future will bring.

I always feel fantastic, when i get down in cantonment, knowing am home,at least or the next two days. But those journies, or just a part of it remains with me. If you ask me, what i'll miss most about finishing my course and being back home, i'd definitely say it's the train travels

Its been a year. Ive lost touch.
am sitting in my couputatinal lab in college wondering how some things seem to have changed so while some others remain the same
Maanu is married.
I live here.
Adi, Harish , Samrat , Amulya arent even in the same country.
Kavita's changed. She isnt the same.
Uncle had a stroke.
Sameer and Ajay stared work about a year back.Sameer's Quit
Bhavya is flying off forever.
hell, Aamira had a damn baby. Boy.
Everything's changed.
Really, but nothing really has.

hmmm....

boredom apparently. Blankness of brain. numbness etc.

Long time since i wrote.
i got into VIT for MSc.
biomedical genetics.

ok. absolutely nothing to write.

oh yeah... i'll miss you guys......

To run!

How do you run from yourself? Where do you hide even if you do?

Moments, where the tiny defects in the fabric of life, that you are hiding even from yourself, unravel and are in plain clear view for all to see. Moments where unwanted feeling and memories attack again and again. When the noise of your own thought, so alien, rushed into your brain unwanted thoughts. The insecurities. The unshakable feeling of being worthless. Moments. Where all you want to do is close your eyes tight, protecting yourself from... yourself, where your heart just gave in and refused to work anymore. Moments. Minutes. Infinity.

Bangalore uncharmed

Am upset.
I got up in the morning thinking of how indisciplined i was, and what i had to achieve today ( call kavi, watch who's the boss, find out when how i met your mother airs.) and important things like that. I made myself a good strong cup of coffee and sat down to read the paper. One of my favorite time of the day.
I read Times Of India and its nearly page 3 all over. I laughed at the picture of the huge burning man on the front page and then i turned over and my woe began. They are breaking down Lakeview , GK Vale and the shops in front of it.Rather they are breaking down the buildings and shifting the establishments elsewhere for two years to make way for a commercial complex ( another mall!!?? do we really need one more?). i detest this idea. Most of lakeview's charm came from the building it was in. It symbolized the lazy Bangalorean. it felt home. Yes i agree the buildings are old. But cant they just be renovated?
Bangalore, i believe has nothing much really to offer a tourist. except its charm. and it is fast losing that. MG road, one of the main tourist attractions wont be the same again. the boulevard's gone. and now these shops? Some day Bangalore will turn into a mechanized city. All concrete, steel and no feeling. These shops took you back in time, where life was simpler and pace slower, where Bangalore didn't really need to have good roads, because there wasn't any traffic anyway.
Ive lived in bangalore all my life, love every bit of it. But its like meeting a dear old friend after years and not recognizing them.i cant recognize Bangalore anymore .I cant do anything to stop these symbols of development and i will mourn deeply the gradual loss of Bangalorean charm. But i will remain loyal to the city. She is my after all my home.

Well...

2 exams.
lots of time waste.
cute boy across table.
creatinine experiment.
saponification
ice cream
Puri
NaOH with a twist of lime.
embarrassment
coffee
soda pop.
YIPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
the day's done.
and i breath again.

Things.

Things the world doesn't know about me:

1. I hate butterflies, birds, anything which flutters. yes, even eyelashes
2. I liked, i did, the dissections, i particularly enjoyed pulling the frog's leg off its pelvic girdle. poor John! God bless his soul.
3. I do like the colour pink. sacrilege i know. but...
   
4. i can, water ski, while simultaneously playing on a piano, carried by friendly sea otters.

Spot the not!

Life's a load of crap. Too many things on my mind.Things at homes cooled down. But i love it anyway.
College ended. well except for exams. Chums. extra sensitivity and withdrawal symptoms. movies. masti magic. stupid stupid cricket match. which we won. Weeeee to quote sush. am bored. evidently.
Missed out on a movie today. Apparently good. Third movie i havent watched cause of home situation. There was about enough yelling to power nuclear fusion.
Things to do after 9th of June

1. go buy me some nice books
2. get a freaking haircut
3. catch up. so difficult nowadays
4. go out of town
5. stop worrying about why others are worried about abhiash wedding
6. sleep
7. buy me new glasses
   
8. pray more. for world peace maybe.
9. stop yelling as much
10. stop. being. anti. social.
11. HARRY POTTER discussion sessions. i think harry'll die. i do not.
12. . ah! eat. mangoes. to my hearts content
13. stay over
14. watch a play
    

Kavi says, its just in my head.I can and should handle things better and am behaving like am a suffering soul. well, Kavi. pffttttt. But i do agree. goodnight .

Its one of the best books I've read so far. Beautiful and simple language illustrate every tiny bit of the book. You live the book. You are the book. I love it. Worth every ounce of prais e it has got. RED! ( pun intended) :)

argggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Damn everything! Am really done. Am exhausted just listening.
Good luck and may God be with you, cause they certainly arent.

I am screaming, but there isn't any voice. Is anyone listening at all?
I am screaming, but there is silence all around. Does anyone know me at all?
I am screaming, reaching out for help.
Why isn't anyone here?

To old times and new,
To everything and more,
To good luck and love.

Nonsense

A bit of this
a bit of that
another altogether
mutation?

i look over,
its finished.
but its really not.
maya?

a fear unheard of,
a silent prayer,
life and death
dream?

unrelated words
hastily put together
a collage
nonsense?

you'd think.

vague philosophy

A little jinn came away here, called my bluff and made me hear. Of things that might happen, or which will. i heard, standing patiently- his stories had every truth. A word seemingly bizarre to me. It was sunset and as he spoke, she shone, of wisdom of long and lore. i was at his feet, when he disappeared slowly, in a wisp of smoke, but leaving me with a small lamp. 'Jinns dont live in lamps. They live in your minds and souls, free you mind of all its restrictions, and fly free of bounds, and clinched existance. The lamp is but a symbol of all the assumptions that you have to break free from' he said as he faded.

Remember Alice In wonderland? its where i want to be. Free of restrictive imagination.

Memory Games

i am forgetful. Its a disease. No, really it is. I cant remember what I told you a minute ago. This causes a lot of repetitions and unnecessary confusion. My friends tell me it isnt a problem, because I come out with different conclusions every time Im confronted with a problem and I often contradict myself. Apparently, I am told, its amusing to watch. Maybe I should explain
Vani : ( looking at kavi and me) so in conclusion, I dont like eating out either!
Me: oh yes, I agree, hate it!
Kavi: ( 15 mins later) hey girls , am sorry, Mums going out, well have to cook ourselves.
Me: Oh why? Cant we just go out and eat?
Kavi: I thought you dont like it?
Me: What? Nonsense! Who told you that?
( This story is made up. The real story? I promise, I forgot!)

I have really bad memory too. I just cant remember. I have a friend of thirteen years, who once was talking to me aboutthis person that we used to be friends with apparently. Dont you remember !!? she said. She was kidding me. I cant remember the her phone number in all these years, and she wanted me to remember a whole person!!?? Whatll she want me to do next, invent cure for cancer?

Its not only that I have bad memory, things I cant remember, I make up. For a long time I believed that I fell off a swing and hurt my head. That it bled profusely. Till this friend told me swings were always off limits for us. We never were allowed on them. I believed this imagination to be so true, that it became a memory.I dont know, how many other such memories I have. Make belief ones.

Its a recent diagnosis. Till then I believed fiercely that I had a great memory, and had heated arguments with anyone challenging my version. So am sorry for all the nonsense Ive meted out to you guys. Knowing now, that you cunning asses will trick me into agreeing to anything, I plan to carry a tape with me at all times. Unless I forget.

what!!?

Randomness rules aint it?

a long beautiful walk , a passage of nostalgia and the strange whistle of an insect nearly unheard due to the whistle of the passing train. Ice cream and friends. Photographs , here and there. A compliment. a fight. or two. Zoology and printing. Catching up. Wonderful books that take you to 15th century.

my yesterday.

whats up for today?

This is dedicated to the tikkal club
Thanks bhav!

A spider climbed the wall
'oh' thought the ant' what gall!'
All because he has so many legs
he treats us like bloody dregs!!

The new unknown

The skies beckon
Its freedom's call
An excitement
An exhilaration of the unknown

An escape of ways
From the dreary old
So beautifully new
An exhilaration of the unknown

An unchecked fall
Disfigured melody
Unrhymed walk
An exhilaration of the unknown

it is but the journey to the odd.