hmmm....

boredom apparently. Blankness of brain. numbness etc.

Long time since i wrote.
i got into VIT for MSc.
biomedical genetics.

ok. absolutely nothing to write.

oh yeah... i'll miss you guys......

To run!

How do you run from yourself? Where do you hide even if you do?

Moments, where the tiny defects in the fabric of life, that you are hiding even from yourself, unravel and are in plain clear view for all to see. Moments where unwanted feeling and memories attack again and again. When the noise of your own thought, so alien, rushed into your brain unwanted thoughts. The insecurities. The unshakable feeling of being worthless. Moments. Where all you want to do is close your eyes tight, protecting yourself from... yourself, where your heart just gave in and refused to work anymore. Moments. Minutes. Infinity.

Bangalore uncharmed

Am upset.
I got up in the morning thinking of how indisciplined i was, and what i had to achieve today ( call kavi, watch who's the boss, find out when how i met your mother airs.) and important things like that. I made myself a good strong cup of coffee and sat down to read the paper. One of my favorite time of the day.
I read Times Of India and its nearly page 3 all over. I laughed at the picture of the huge burning man on the front page and then i turned over and my woe began. They are breaking down Lakeview , GK Vale and the shops in front of it.Rather they are breaking down the buildings and shifting the establishments elsewhere for two years to make way for a commercial complex ( another mall!!?? do we really need one more?). i detest this idea. Most of lakeview's charm came from the building it was in. It symbolized the lazy Bangalorean. it felt home. Yes i agree the buildings are old. But cant they just be renovated?
Bangalore, i believe has nothing much really to offer a tourist. except its charm. and it is fast losing that. MG road, one of the main tourist attractions wont be the same again. the boulevard's gone. and now these shops? Some day Bangalore will turn into a mechanized city. All concrete, steel and no feeling. These shops took you back in time, where life was simpler and pace slower, where Bangalore didn't really need to have good roads, because there wasn't any traffic anyway.
Ive lived in bangalore all my life, love every bit of it. But its like meeting a dear old friend after years and not recognizing them.i cant recognize Bangalore anymore .I cant do anything to stop these symbols of development and i will mourn deeply the gradual loss of Bangalorean charm. But i will remain loyal to the city. She is my after all my home.

Well...

2 exams.
lots of time waste.
cute boy across table.
creatinine experiment.
saponification
ice cream
Puri
NaOH with a twist of lime.
embarrassment
coffee
soda pop.
YIPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
the day's done.
and i breath again.

Things.

Things the world doesn't know about me:

1. I hate butterflies, birds, anything which flutters. yes, even eyelashes
2. I liked, i did, the dissections, i particularly enjoyed pulling the frog's leg off its pelvic girdle. poor John! God bless his soul.
3. I do like the colour pink. sacrilege i know. but...
   
4. i can, water ski, while simultaneously playing on a piano, carried by friendly sea otters.

Spot the not!

Life's a load of crap. Too many things on my mind.Things at homes cooled down. But i love it anyway.
College ended. well except for exams. Chums. extra sensitivity and withdrawal symptoms. movies. masti magic. stupid stupid cricket match. which we won. Weeeee to quote sush. am bored. evidently.
Missed out on a movie today. Apparently good. Third movie i havent watched cause of home situation. There was about enough yelling to power nuclear fusion.
Things to do after 9th of June

1. go buy me some nice books
2. get a freaking haircut
3. catch up. so difficult nowadays
4. go out of town
5. stop worrying about why others are worried about abhiash wedding
6. sleep
7. buy me new glasses
   
8. pray more. for world peace maybe.
9. stop yelling as much
10. stop. being. anti. social.
11. HARRY POTTER discussion sessions. i think harry'll die. i do not.
12. . ah! eat. mangoes. to my hearts content
13. stay over
14. watch a play
    

Kavi says, its just in my head.I can and should handle things better and am behaving like am a suffering soul. well, Kavi. pffttttt. But i do agree. goodnight .

Its one of the best books I've read so far. Beautiful and simple language illustrate every tiny bit of the book. You live the book. You are the book. I love it. Worth every ounce of prais e it has got. RED! ( pun intended) :)

argggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Damn everything! Am really done. Am exhausted just listening.
Good luck and may God be with you, cause they certainly arent.

I am screaming, but there isn't any voice. Is anyone listening at all?
I am screaming, but there is silence all around. Does anyone know me at all?
I am screaming, reaching out for help.
Why isn't anyone here?

To old times and new,
To everything and more,
To good luck and love.

Nonsense

A bit of this
a bit of that
another altogether
mutation?

i look over,
its finished.
but its really not.
maya?

a fear unheard of,
a silent prayer,
life and death
dream?

unrelated words
hastily put together
a collage
nonsense?

you'd think.

vague philosophy

A little jinn came away here, called my bluff and made me hear. Of things that might happen, or which will. i heard, standing patiently- his stories had every truth. A word seemingly bizarre to me. It was sunset and as he spoke, she shone, of wisdom of long and lore. i was at his feet, when he disappeared slowly, in a wisp of smoke, but leaving me with a small lamp. 'Jinns dont live in lamps. They live in your minds and souls, free you mind of all its restrictions, and fly free of bounds, and clinched existance. The lamp is but a symbol of all the assumptions that you have to break free from' he said as he faded.

Remember Alice In wonderland? its where i want to be. Free of restrictive imagination.

Memory Games

i am forgetful. Its a disease. No, really it is. I cant remember what I told you a minute ago. This causes a lot of repetitions and unnecessary confusion. My friends tell me it isnt a problem, because I come out with different conclusions every time Im confronted with a problem and I often contradict myself. Apparently, I am told, its amusing to watch. Maybe I should explain
Vani : ( looking at kavi and me) so in conclusion, I dont like eating out either!
Me: oh yes, I agree, hate it!
Kavi: ( 15 mins later) hey girls , am sorry, Mums going out, well have to cook ourselves.
Me: Oh why? Cant we just go out and eat?
Kavi: I thought you dont like it?
Me: What? Nonsense! Who told you that?
( This story is made up. The real story? I promise, I forgot!)

I have really bad memory too. I just cant remember. I have a friend of thirteen years, who once was talking to me aboutthis person that we used to be friends with apparently. Dont you remember !!? she said. She was kidding me. I cant remember the her phone number in all these years, and she wanted me to remember a whole person!!?? Whatll she want me to do next, invent cure for cancer?

Its not only that I have bad memory, things I cant remember, I make up. For a long time I believed that I fell off a swing and hurt my head. That it bled profusely. Till this friend told me swings were always off limits for us. We never were allowed on them. I believed this imagination to be so true, that it became a memory.I dont know, how many other such memories I have. Make belief ones.

Its a recent diagnosis. Till then I believed fiercely that I had a great memory, and had heated arguments with anyone challenging my version. So am sorry for all the nonsense Ive meted out to you guys. Knowing now, that you cunning asses will trick me into agreeing to anything, I plan to carry a tape with me at all times. Unless I forget.

what!!?

Randomness rules aint it?

a long beautiful walk , a passage of nostalgia and the strange whistle of an insect nearly unheard due to the whistle of the passing train. Ice cream and friends. Photographs , here and there. A compliment. a fight. or two. Zoology and printing. Catching up. Wonderful books that take you to 15th century.

my yesterday.

whats up for today?

This is dedicated to the tikkal club
Thanks bhav!

A spider climbed the wall
'oh' thought the ant' what gall!'
All because he has so many legs
he treats us like bloody dregs!!

The new unknown

The skies beckon
Its freedom's call
An excitement
An exhilaration of the unknown

An escape of ways
From the dreary old
So beautifully new
An exhilaration of the unknown

An unchecked fall
Disfigured melody
Unrhymed walk
An exhilaration of the unknown

it is but the journey to the odd.

scars

The trumpet call
shatters the cold dark night
as the shots of life and death ring
Loudly, sharp and a crack
a life. a story . lost
Circles continue
as life itself ceases

Paradise stained- Red!
as the clouds of despair loom
The noise of silence echoes
the battle scars- Forever.



some vague poem for cul week two years back.

Noise.
doesn't let you think. its a refuge. clutters your mind. doesn't let you ask questions, or think of the consequences.
Noise.
its your defense. your wall from the world. your evasiveness. your everything.
Noise.
because when its not there , you realize how incredibly lonely you really are.

breach of freedom?

Today is valentines day. Its not of any particular interest to me. It never was. But today, i saw, in front of my eyes, the failing of basic human rights of decency. The principal of my fantastic college got up in the morning and thought- 'oh i've nothing planned for today, lets just, humiliate the students' with what i assume a satisfied grin on her face.
Pre wanted the day to be nice. she wanted to go out. 'our last one together girls!' please 'lets all dress up please!!' . now, i really like Pre, so i said ok, lets just dress up, i mean there no harm in that right? so i waltz into an auto, with my pretty brown skirt only to be stopped on the way in. Girls huddled together because of apparent 'indecent' clothes. The definition of their 'indecent' ??? a girl got thrown out because kurta nearly two times her size, and that reached her knee was 'indecent'! her id was taken, she was humiliated , asked to bead over, all in front of a male watchman.Is this the empowerment that you keep talking about so often ma'am? and something that takes the cake, is girls were sent home, because they wore red and pink. on valentines day. because it is valentines day. i heard a horrid story, cant comment on its authenticity but, where a professor asked a girl to bend over, and poured water into her trousers, because it was loose. please tell me/ who the F#@$ are they to treat us that way?
My question is this- How does a dress code matter? How does what you wear decide who you are? or how intelligent you are? and whatever happened to freedom of choice? isn't what happened today a breach of my right to be an individual? my right to be me? aren't you hampering our growth instead of empowering us?
And my principal, a lady who claims that she has no time or energy to 'deal' with us- her students, is not only capable, but is also a coward. Who is she running the college for herself? or us? i have a theory about her. I think she is a secret activist of Hindu fanatics, lurking around in a Christian institution, wondering who her next prey is. but. There is always a force that is greater than everything. Power in numbers. Power of the people. rebellion. satyagraha. whaever.
i may pass out in two months, but, the fight for freedom will continue, and i have a feeling , am on the winning side.
till next time.

the countdown has begun, the time is nearing, its nearly time for graduation!

Will I lose my identity when I step out? Or will I find me like I’ve been trying to do the past years. I’ll miss college. I’ll miss fun. I’ll miss friends. I’ll miss knowing shortcuts to and out of class.. I’ll miss knowing the secret loo on the 2nd floor of physics block. I’ll miss peeping into apartments next door to check out the good looking boys, I’ll miss chemistry labs with ramakrishna’s kind face, I’ll miss the dingy dark zoo labs, with a smell of rotten fish that wont go away, I’ll miss my biotech labs with all its brightness and nagin dances. ill miss planning to sneak out of class but chickening out at the last minute. I’ll miss bitching and cursing the zoology department. I’ll miss all our Sholay remakes and the Gabbars and the basantis.. I’ll miss sitting in the auditorium with broken fans whirling in laziness to see the Indian dance. I’ll miss screaming on top of my voice for them. I’ll miss cul ah, I’ll miss the dogs, I’ll miss Sujata’s overpriced coffee and her smile when she says ‘ whaaat da?’. I’ll miss the home science block. I’ll miss scrounging the tree near the canteen for those beautiful flowers . I’ll miss sitting in the basketball court and smiling at madness, because it reminds you of you. I’ll miss being mad. I’ll miss last minute dashes to the cauvery to watch movies, I’ll miss sneaking in vodka into college. I’ll miss gossip, fashion and misfashion. I’ll miss coffee chocolate ice cream cones.. I’ll miss unplanned discussions about life. I ‘ll miss the fiction part in the library where more often than not, I go when I cant borrow the book. I’ll miss sneaking into the library to check out the score of cricket matches, in TV in the reference section, I’ll miss long walks in the campus, I’ll miss green. I’ll miss teachers even. But most of all I’ll miss the sense of belonging. Of being a carmalite. College has taught me confidence, sense of adventure, its given my bestest friends ever. And the best times ever and also that throwing a little attitude hurt no one. Like bhavya said, the footsteps are closer to the door now. Our door to the world. It has to be inevitably opened. But till then, I’ll enjoy a few more days of being a kid with no worries. Adieu to my life in mount carmel. I’ll miss you.but you are always in my heart.

random thoughts

sometimes, i want time to stop, like a pause in your DVD movies, where no one grows older or younger, where the sights , smell and sounds of that moment are imprinted in your heart and it fills it for eternity. i want life itself to be held on a breath, afraid to inhale or exhale, not knowing what may happen , when the moment slips. i want total anonymity, a total lack of knowledge of anything else, except that moment. i want to live that . i want to be that. i know, life'll go on and what i want or what i feel will not matter for more than a millisecond, but, its beautiful still, the world and the moment in its entirety.